Dear Carolyn: Many think my best friend Sara has it all: four adorable children, a successful husband (Jim), and a beautiful home. Jim is an absolute dear, but heres the thing. I think hes gay.
Recently, I sat down with Sara and shared my hunch. True to form, she listened attentively and thanked me for my concern. But since then, Sara has not mentioned our conversation about her husbands sexuality. I am concerned she is in denial. How should I gently revisit the topic? A Friend in Need
Never. Not gently, not roughly, not with discreet tactical brilliance, not ever. Thats how.
And if there were such a thing as boundary school, Id sentence you to it. Because, oh my wow. This is so not your business.
With the benefit of all doubts firmly in place, Ill venture you just really want your friend to be happy. And thats great. But if your idea of helping her be happy includes a first step of having to persuade her that shes unhappy, then thats your flashing red railroad-crossing barrier, your Do Not Disturb hang-tag, your singing telegram reminding you to butt the heck (and everything else) out. If your friend wants your help, she can ask.
And while Im here: No one, anywhere, ever, has it all.
Dear Carolyn: I read a lot of news and culture articles online; when I see something I think a family member may like, I forward it to them.
Ive heard from more than one that sometimes its overwhelming and they dont know whether to respond to my emails.
Does this sound like a boundary problem on my part, even though Im pretty sure they would like the information Im forwarding? I dont want to overwhelm them but how do I know how much is too much? I feel like this is my way of connecting with people I love. D.
From now on, connect with people you love only at judicious intervals and using a disclaimer at the top of all forwarded emails: I thought you might like this. Please dont feel any obligation to respond. It sounds as if youre forwarding to specific people and not blast-forwarding, but, just in case, no blast-forwarding.
And with anyone who mentions feeling overwhelmed, find some other means than email to stay in touch.
Dear Carolyn: I donated to an organization that provides wheelchairs to people who cant afford them. I posted about this on Facebook. I wasnt trying to brag, but I wanted to give this organization some attention in case anyone I know would like to support it as well.
A friend of mine posted a comment saying my donation was foolish, because it would be much more productive to donate to organizations that research cures for disabilities so that no one needs wheelchairs at all. I was taken aback by this and Im not sure how to reply. Should I reply at all?
— Charitable
Nope. Save yourself for actual discourse.
There will always be people looking to score meaningless points. It costs you nothing (besides a moments agitation) to let them think they did while every moment spent engaging with knuckleheads is a moment gone for good.
